I'm 18 years old. I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life.
Shocker, right? I know that even the 18 year olds who think they have it all figured out are either delusional or entering a family business. I've decided that I'm going to make this post completely honest. Here's what my dreams were and what they have become.
Ever since I was little I have been enamored with musical theater. It was and is that one thing that brings me the most joy. So, ever since I was little, my dream was to be on Broadway. And I know that is probably the dumbest, corniest thing ever. But that's the way dreams are.
Dreams are often times very unrealistic. That's what my opinion has become about that little old dream of mine. So many things in my life just didn't quite line up for that dream to come true. I grew up in a very small town, and as amazing as that was, it has given me a fairly inaccurate gauge of how talented I am. I hear this figure of speech way too often: they were just a big fish in a small pond. That's what I was. That doesn't mean I wasn't a talented fish. It just means that there are probably bigger fish out there, and in the grand scheme of things, I'm fairly miniscule. I'm also a fish who started too late. I am not remotely prepared for what a professional musical theater setting would demand from me. I am not a dancer, and I would need a lot of work as an actor. But in the eyes of any courtroom, I've officially entered adulthood, so I feel like it might be too little too late.
Now, mind you, I understand that these are excuses. I could surpass these things and attempt to live my dream in spite of them. But that would be terrifying!!! If I finish college, I will be in about $35,000 worth of debt. Add together paying that off and renting an apartment and having the lack of work that is characteristic of a new artist, and I see myself living in a refrigerator box under the loveliest overpass Manhattan has to offer. Not to mention there is no guarantee that I will ever get a job in theater.
I know this may be coming off as a melancholy self-pity fest, but I'm trying to be realistic and put to words the stuff that is going on in my head. What is my dream now? Good god, I don't fricker-fracken know. Baker? Teacher? Performer? SNL cast member? Inventor of the next big infomercial product? Currently, every time I think about the future, I get a really bad migraine and usually start crying. Maybe that's just my sleep-deprived college brain crying out for a nap. I know once I've found my niche, I won't feel that way anymore.
So finally, officially, I say goodbye to high school. Goodbye to old dreams and, once I figure out what they are, hello to new, better ones.
I leave you with a quote from my musical theater hero:
The art of making art is putting it together. Bit by bit. - Stephen Sondheim
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